It really hit me tonight how permanent my bipolar depression is. I’ve been having a difficult time accepting I’ll need to take medication for it the rest of my life. The mind is so powerful. My negative thoughts took over and I had a hypo-manic episode. I discovered the more I resisted the thoughts, the more they took over. I had to take myself out of the situation and the energy that surrounded me. I texted my best friend because she makes me feel safe. It was 11:00 pm and she came to pick me up because I didn’t feel safe to be alone. I dreaded doing so because I don’t want to feel like I’m burdening her and her family.
What triggered the episode was all the stress and anxiety that I was holding in. I’m not used to feeling my emotions anymore because I was so numb for so long. Sometimes, I wish I was still numb so incident have to face the emotions, pain, confusion, the constant back and forth on making a permanent decision that will determine my future. One thing I learned 5 years ago was to not make a permanent decision on a temporary feeling. I haven’t been following that these past few months.
It’s hard being trapped in your own mind. It’s hard not being able to function in a “normal” way. It’s hard to be rational sometimes and to reason with yourself. Those things don’t exist when I’m having an episode.
I am proud of myself that I had just enough clarity to ask my friend for help. I’m upset that it got bad enough tonight that I didn’t feel safe to be by myself. I’m still learning my limits and what boundries I need to be in place. I need to stop basing things on emotion and base them on logic. I’m a work in progress, always.